My post transfer euphoric high had an expiration date. I knew this would happen, but a naïve part of me hoped that it would last for two weeks…wishful thinking, I know! Instead, I feel like it lasted three days…one day for every embryo they transferred.
The first sign of consuming thoughts started on a quiet weekend.
“Did it work?”
“Do I have any symptoms?”
“What’s that twinge mean?”
“Are those cramps?”
“I think it worked”
“I don’t think I am pregnant…it feels like I am getting my period”
“I hope it worked”
Individually, these are all fairly innocent thoughts that creep into the corners of the mind. None of the thoughts are new to me…I have dealt with them virtually every month since we started trying many years ago. This go around, likely due to the amplified stakes of IVF, these thoughts are twice as loud and I find them to be all that more consuming…especially the closer I get to my Beta test date (March 5th).
I do my best to bat them away with a ‘thought fly swatter.’ If that doesn’t work, I patiently yell “Stop” to my irrational self and hope that quiets them down. If all else fails, I try acknowledging the thoughts and then putting them on my virtual ‘thought shelf’. Of the three tricks one of them usually works and quiets them down. From early days of infertility, I know if I don’t acknowledge them, they will take over and spiral my head out of control with different ideas…some good, more of them likely bad. And don’t get me started on letting these thoughts grow legs and seek out information on Google….that is a whole other post.
These consuming thoughts are most definitely the hardest part of the battle of infertility. Sometimes they psych you up and other times they tear you down. Even though these thoughts, doubts, and hopes are not new to me…they are definitely harder to keep at bay during my IVF two week wait.
Now a person of science would say that these thoughts have no impact on the end result. A person of alternative medicine would say that in the negative moments we need to do our best to stay positive and envision a positive outcome. Who do you believe? Science or the others?
To date, science hasn’t given me any true answers. With science, everything about me and my husband is normal…so we fall into the “unexplained infertility” category. A frustrating situation as there is no action to be taken to solve the fertility challenge other than try different treatments and see what happens. I have found that within this “unexplained” category, its alternative medicine that has given me the most comfort and hope…there are endless amazing stories of people who struggled who finally found themselves unexpectedly pregnant. These amazing stories inspire me time and time again to pick myself up off the sidelines.
Needless to say, with all my eggs in one basket this time around with IVF I have my work cut out for me to work through all the nagging thoughts. I try to keep myself busy, but of course work isn’t overly busy at the moment. So, despite my best efforts, I feel like I keep ending up alone with my thoughts *sigh*. But, I do believe I am winning the battle!