I feel good. I feel calm. The future is uncertain, I am another year older (37), and surprisingly, I am not stressing about it. Is there something wrong with me?
A month ago we faced the negative results of our first round of IVF …initially, I was devastated. My deep grief lasted a day or two, my fragile feelings lasted about a week…but overall I feel like I pulled up my boot straps quickly and moved forward. I acknowledged that I am still blessed and my life is good, made summer vacation plans with my husband and started a new nutrition and fitness plan. So, here I am a month later and I feel pretty damn good. What does this strange calmness mean?
I don’t feel the panic I had in my gut a year or even 3 months ago. I am not flooded with daily fertility frustration. I am not angry and I am oddly okay talking about our failure with our families and a few close friends. Strangely, when I do speak about everything…I literally hover over myself and listen from a distance and say to my inner self: “Wow, I really am doing okay!”
The day following our beta test I went to a yoga class and set the intention/mantra of “Peace & Acceptance”….and I think it worked. I am not happy about our result, but I accept it. I am at peace with the fact that we will need to take another step forward.
We have our options – IVF #2 or Adoption – both cost us time and money. Both have their pros and cons…and neither is the right or wrong answer.
I feel like I am leaning toward trying IVF again, but I am not in a rush (despite my new numerical age). I want to give myself time to heal, get strong, and selfishly enjoy a few months of nice weather before tackling the treatment process again mid-summer.
So, tell me…am I going crazy? Or ridiculously sane?