Is there something wrong with me?

I feel good. I feel calm. The future is uncertain, I am another year older (37), and surprisingly, I am not stressing about it. Is there something wrong with me?

A month ago we faced the negative results of our first round of IVF …initially, I was devastated. My deep grief lasted a day or two, my fragile feelings lasted about a week…but overall I feel like I pulled up my boot straps quickly and moved forward. I acknowledged that I am still blessed and my life is good, made summer vacation plans with my husband and started a new nutrition and fitness plan. So, here I am a month later and I feel pretty damn good. What does this strange calmness mean?

I don’t feel the panic I had in my gut a year or even 3 months ago. I am not flooded with daily fertility frustration. I am not angry and I am oddly okay talking about our failure with our families and a few close friends. Strangely, when I do speak about everything…I literally hover over myself and listen from a distance and say to my inner self: “Wow, I really am doing okay!” sometimes-the-only-way-to-stay-sane-is-to-go-a-little-crazy-quote-1

The day following our beta test I went to a yoga class and set the intention/mantra of “Peace & Acceptance”….and I think it worked. I am not happy about our result, but I accept it. I am at peace with the fact that we will need to take another step forward.

We have our options – IVF #2 or Adoption – both cost us time and money. Both have their pros and cons…and neither is the right or wrong answer.

I feel like I am leaning toward trying IVF again, but I am not in a rush (despite my new numerical age). I want to give myself time to heal, get strong, and selfishly enjoy a few months of nice weather before tackling the treatment process again mid-summer.

So, tell me…am I going crazy? Or ridiculously sane?

16 thoughts on “Is there something wrong with me?

  1. I think you are ridiculously sane, maybe experiencing one of those highly sought after moments of clarity?
    You are so right, both IVF and adoption have pros and cons, and neither is right or wrong. It’s more a matter of what is best for you and your man right now. Also, I love your plan to enjoy a few months of nice weather before jumping back into treatments, I think it’s a wise plan.
    P.S. Happy Birthday!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Haha, I had the same thought yesterday – am I going crazy because I’m so calm?! Perhaps it’s the old psychological explanation that your body and mind can only take so much and after a while, it either crashes or accepts it. Or it could be that being so unhappy and worried is not going to help us and that knowing what happens around the corner just isn’t known until it needs to be. Or perhaps we are stark-raving crazy?! Either way, I’m glad you’re feeling well, calm. That’s a good sign 🙂 Hope you had a lovely birthday!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have found that this IF journey either breaks people or makes them uncover unbelievable strength and resilience. I am happy to see you fall into the second category. I think it is a gift that carries over into the rest of your life. After powering through many failed IVF cycles to have my miracle son I find I take things in stride and have more gratitude and joy than others around me. Just my opinion. Thankfully there is a gift hidden somewhere in this IF hell.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I truly believe that to be true too! Thank you for seeing that in me. I do believe this journey is a gift in my life…it doesn’t always make sense and sometimes it hurts…but it is a gift. So glad to hear it worked out for you!


  4. I wish it was a different outcome for you this try but I appreciate your optimism and perspective. It’s so so hard! But suddenly I realized all these women going through IVF and the associated emotions are the strongest women you’ll ever meet!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I have to say, not only do I think you’re sane but that you’re a remarkable person. You are really making the most of your life to live it and make other plans in the face of disappointment, and I admire that so much. I haven’t been able to do that and this entry was a light bulb moment for me. The fact you could go through the same disappointments, but react differently and far more kindly to yourself and your life in the name of health and happiness, is a profound moment for me in a low time. You are a pretty amazing person! I’m going to try and adopt more of your attitude 🙂

    If you are game for it, I would try IVF again. I’m the same age as you, and have read that 2/3 of our eggs are chromosomally abnormal, so doing a few IVFs will give you a better chance of what is retrieved and fertilized, being a viable egg. Of course, this is if the woman/couple decides the financial, physical, etc. is what they’d most rather do. I also think adoption is expensive, long and painful, but a wonderful venture as well. Your child will be yours no matter what, and so lucky to have you. Your gut will speak to you when you’re ready to think about it again.

    In the meantime, thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. I hope it’s comforting and reflective for you b/c since I found your blog, it’s sure been that for me and a great help 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your kind words and support. You are without doubt as strong and remarkable as me. This process is beyond hard and to come out of it in one piece with the idea of trying again is amazing.

      I plan to try again this summer, I know it will be hard…but not as scary…as I know what to expect at each step.

      Finding this community has given me so much peace in sharing my story but also discovering I am not alone in this.

      Will you try again? Hugs to you!


  6. Hello! I’m the same age and I’m trying to be positive and “que sera sera” about things too. Although part of me hopes we are the 1 in 4 (according to our hospital) who succeed. I also think, having personal experience of adoption, that adoption isn’t so bad really. Honestly! I think it’s just a bit different if you’re adopted because maybe you have more of a yearning to have someone biologically related to you. I don’t think it’s better or worse really as I’ve never had it. We are on cycle 1 and I guess we’re still at that optimistic stage… We’re aware that it’s all a massive game of chance though, and I’m seeing IVF as just that – a chance. It might not happen but it’s worth a shot! I hope whatever you choose that it has a great outcome for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey! Thanks for your note. I agree that adoption is a great choice. I come from an adoptive family too (my brother). If we roll the dice again and it doesn’t work, I think we will chase that avenues quickly after. I wish you lots of luck with your cycle. Baby dust to you!

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s