So, I haven’t posted in a while…mainly due to the fact I felt like I didn’t have much to say at the moment. I credit this bout of writer’s block to the strange reality that I continue to feel pretty good about myself and where I am in my journey.
I can honestly say that I have fully accepted my first IVF failure in February and found the strength to move on. I even stopped seeing the “try infertility acupuncture” sign that I drove past every day (see that post here). Last week I tried looking for it and learned that after three long years of daily commute torture, the clinic had decided to take the sign down completely. A part of me wonders, did someone read my blog and recognize the pain it caused? Or, was there a higher power at work? My guess is the clinic is too busy from so many people struggling with fertility issues that they don’t need a sign any more.
Looking back, how I have “survived and thrived” the last two months comes down to a few changes:
1. Focusing on my health!
I felt like puddle of mushy fat and hormones after my IVF treatment. My belly jiggled and other than some light walks, I hadn’t had a good sweat or a healthy meal for 6 weeks. Gotta love stress eating! Just before my beta, a girl I know reached out to me and asked if I had any interest in joining their fitness challenge group for “21 Day Fix” by BeachBody. I am a skeptic of fads, but I knew for my sanity I also needed a distraction and lots of structure to keep me from thinking about babies, treatment and failure. So, I said yes and I tackled the challenge of three weeks of regular exercise and healthy eating. I sweated for 30 minutes each morning and kept the processed foods out of my diet…and low and behold….I quickly felt like a brand new person. I felt stronger and my clothes started to fit a bit better. I loved the program so much I tackled another round shortly after and I feel great. I feel like I succeeded at something (FINALLY)…it has been a reminder that I can achieve things that I set my mind to.
2. Made some plans that have nothing to do with babies
I like to travel…doesn’t matter where or how far away. We made plans to enjoy our summer and visit friends and family. I booked a girl’s trip to San Diego, he booked a golf weekend with the boys, a trip together to Ontario to visit family and a week’s worth of camping and golf in BC. When we started talking about doing IVF again this year…I knew in my gut that I wasn’t going to change our plans…we would get to IVF as soon as we could (hopefully August!).
3. Not rushing our next steps
I turned 37 at the beginning of March, a week after our negative beta results, and I was worried I would feel that my clock was ticking even more and panic about figuring things out. Shockingly this feeling of panic, which has followed me around since the day after we got married three years ago, never reared its ugly head. Why? I don’t know. I credit the plans to be normal this summer and my exercise and eating regimen, or maybe I let something go when I learned about my BFN.
Moving forward, I will try IVF again and in my mind all I want to do before I go through it all again is to be normal for a little while, remember who I was before infertility, and get as healthy as possible. My goal by August is to have my bodyweight back in a healthy BMI range; today, I am five pounds away from the top end of the healthy range. Without doubt, I know I can succeed at this particular goal and I hope that means I will also learn to have faith and believe my body can do anything in August.