Surviving and Thriving after my BFN

So, I haven’t posted in a while…mainly due to the fact I felt like I didn’t have much to say at the moment. I credit this bout of writer’s block to the strange reality that I continue to feel pretty good about myself and where I am in my journey.

I can honestly say that I have fully accepted my first IVF failure in February and found the strength to move on. I even stopped seeing the “try infertility acupuncture” sign that I drove past every day (see that post here). Last week I tried looking for it and learned that after three long years of daily commute torture, the clinic had decided to take the sign down completely. A part of me wonders, did someone read my blog and recognize the pain it caused? Or, was there a higher power at work? My guess is the clinic is too busy from so many people struggling with fertility issues that they don’t need a sign any more.

Thrive

Looking back, how I have “survived and thrived” the last two months comes down to a few changes:

1. Focusing on my health!

I felt like puddle of mushy fat and hormones after my IVF treatment. My belly jiggled and other than some light walks, I hadn’t had a good sweat or a healthy meal for 6 weeks. Gotta love stress eating! Just before my beta, a girl I know reached out to me and asked if I had any interest in joining their fitness challenge group for “21 Day Fix” by BeachBody. I am a skeptic of fads, but I knew for my sanity I also needed a distraction and lots of structure to keep me from thinking about babies, treatment and failure. So, I said yes and I tackled the challenge of three weeks of regular exercise and healthy eating.  I sweated for 30 minutes each morning and kept the processed foods out of my diet…and low and behold….I quickly felt like a brand new person. I felt stronger and my clothes started to fit a bit better. I loved the program so much I tackled another round shortly after and I feel great. I feel like I succeeded at something (FINALLY)…it has been a reminder that I can achieve things that I set my mind to.

2. Made some plans that have nothing to do with babies

I like to travel…doesn’t matter where or how far away. We made plans to enjoy our summer and visit friends and family.  I booked a girl’s trip to San Diego, he booked a golf weekend with the boys, a trip together to Ontario to visit family and a week’s worth of camping and golf in BC. When we started talking about doing IVF again this year…I knew in my gut that I wasn’t going to change our plans…we would get to IVF as soon as we could (hopefully August!).

3. Not rushing our next steps

I turned 37 at the beginning of March, a week after our negative beta results, and I was worried I would feel that my clock was ticking even more and panic about figuring things out.  Shockingly this feeling of panic, which has followed me around since the day after we got married three years ago, never reared its ugly head.  Why? I don’t know. I credit the plans to be normal this summer and my exercise and eating regimen, or maybe I let something go when I learned about my BFN.

Moving forward, I will try IVF again and in my mind all I want to do before I go through it all again is to be normal for a little while, remember who I was before infertility, and get as healthy as possible. My goal by August is to have my bodyweight back in a healthy BMI range; today, I am five pounds away from the top end of the healthy range. Without doubt, I know I can succeed at this particular goal and I hope that means I will also learn to have faith and believe my body can do anything in August.

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8 thoughts on “Surviving and Thriving after my BFN

  1. I just stumbled across your blog and wanted to reach out to say that I can really relate to what you’re going through. We got the negative results for our first round of IVF in March and it took a while to feel as though I could really move forward. It still affects me more than I expected. Just recently we decided to book a trip for ourselves this summer because traveling seems to be the one thing infertility hasn’t completely ruined for me. I also read the post you linked to here about the sign and it is so crazy because last night I wrote about looking for signs everywhere and mentioned hearing that Kate Middleton was pregnant too! So strange. Anyway, I’ll be following along on your journey and I hope that you are able to feel more in control of your life again as well as back on track. And, of course, I hope you aren’t far from that BFP we’re all chasing after. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Every post I see a bit more of myself in you. Age, cycle timings, now the 21 day fix timing. Can you let me know if you’re still doing it, and how you felt about your results? After several failed cycles this past year (and weight gain during each one, as well as comfort eating bad choices too!) I have now done 2 rounds of the challenge. I feel better with the cleaner eating and the shakeology has taken away bad cravings… but the whole first round I felt I was pretty lousy at the workouts. I find it hard to workout when cycling and I felt so energyless and listless. I was better the second time around, but not getting the results of other people doing it. What’s your take? I do think it’s a great program for people in our shoes…. and with everything else, you just do the best you can 🙂

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    • I just started my 3rd round. I would say, I feel much like you do. I feel good with the food choices and cravings have subsided… I like the shakes and the 30 min routines. My energy is much higher and I feel like my outlook on everything is much more positive (My guess is that comes from feeling better and not being on hormones). I don’t see the drastic changes that many report doing the BB plan though, so I can see that being discouraging for many. I have always had a slow response to weight loss…so it’s not a huge surprise to me. I feel like this round is going to be harder, my mind is not as much there this time. I hope I find my groove again! We should exchange emails and cheer each other on. Let me know!

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  3. Sure – that’s a great idea! After a long weekend away from the better eating habits and DVDs, I’m trying to get back into it today. I have always had a slow response to weight loss too, easy to gain it and gain weight with each cycle too despite not changing my eating. Someone needs to throw us a bone here – lol!
    Is there a private way to send my email (or for you to access it?)

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