In the past week, I have referenced twice, typically in a light-hearted manner, to my husband something to the tune of “we can’t have kids.” I didn’t think before I said it, it just popped out of my mouth. The moment passed, the topic changed, but those words continue to hang over my head like a permanent, forehead-tattooed word bubble.
I don’t even know why I said it, I don’t think I think that way, but on some deep unconscious level…do I believe that? Do I believe that we can’t have children?
Since our first round of IVF wasn’t a success, I have let go of something. Mostly, I feel like I have let go of the monthly emotional rollercoaster. I came out of IVF #1 frustrated and I wanted my life back. I didn’t want to be ruled by my emotions – the highs and the lows. I didn’t want our marriage ruled by TTC schedules. I didn’t want to drive myself crazy through symptom spotting any more.
For the most part, I successfully let the emotional rollercoaster go because deep down I believe that if it’s going to happen for us it will be IVF#2 or adoption. If it happens spontaneously…bonus…but I am not going to mindfully drive myself insane on a monthly basis. I had to let it go…the other way I was doing this journey just hurt too much.
I have to say, it’s been glorious to let go of this monthly circus in my head. After last week though, I am now wondering have I let something else in. Have I let doubt and negativity in? When I said “can’t have children” in passing…why am I even uttering those words? Are my baby hopes dashed beyond repair?
As the words flew out of my mouth and the word bubble appeared, my virtual self was watching to see if there was a sting or an internal scream, but there wasn’t. Instead the words just hung there and the harrowing thought remaining is – I shouldn’t have said that.