What did I just say???

In the past week, I have referenced twice, typically in a light-hearted manner, to my husband something to the tune of “we can’t have kids.” I didn’t think before I said it, it just popped out of my mouth. The moment passed, the topic changed, but those words continue to hang over my head like a permanent, forehead-tattooed word bubble.swear-words-bubble

I don’t even know why I said it, I don’t think I think that way, but on some deep unconscious level…do I believe that? Do I believe that we can’t have children?

Since our first round of IVF wasn’t a success, I have let go of something. Mostly, I feel like I have let go of the monthly emotional rollercoaster. I came out of IVF #1 frustrated and I wanted my life back. I didn’t want to be ruled by my emotions – the highs and the lows. I didn’t want our marriage ruled by TTC schedules. I didn’t want to drive myself crazy through symptom spotting any more.

For the most part, I successfully let the emotional rollercoaster go because deep down I believe that if it’s going to happen for us it will be IVF#2 or adoption. If it happens spontaneously…bonus…but I am not going to mindfully drive myself insane on a monthly basis. I had to let it go…the other way I was doing this journey just hurt too much.

I have to say, it’s been glorious to let go of this monthly circus in my head. After last week though, I am now wondering have I let something else in. Have I let doubt and negativity in? When I said “can’t have children” in passing…why am I even uttering those words? Are my baby hopes dashed beyond repair?

As the words flew out of my mouth and the word bubble appeared, my virtual self was watching to see if there was a sting or an internal scream, but there wasn’t. Instead the words just hung there and the harrowing thought remaining is – I shouldn’t have said that.

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8 thoughts on “What did I just say???

  1. I have found myself thinking these exact things! I realized at some point that I’m just assuming the next IVF won’t work and we’ll complete our family through adoption. Thinking this way doesn’t upset me. I feel at peace with it. But does that mean I have totally given up on babymaking? And if I have, why the hell am I bothering with IVF?!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I remember those thoughts, and I remember voicing it for the first time. I also remember not being sure of what it meant to me and to us, but also on some level know that we would find another way. It’s complicated, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing to identify with those emotions and to realize they exist, even if you aren’t really sure what it means yet.
    Also, I really do think it’s great that you’ve let the monthly cycle/circus go. Living that way is not living so far as I’m concerned.
    I say enjoy your summer as you’ve said before that’s the plan, give your mind time to process everything. Things will come together in the end, I firmly believe it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Many women can’t let the “monthly circus” (great analogy!) go, and live their life in the in-between moments when the circus has left town for awhile. I think it’s a great idea to deal with the next steps when you feel it’s time for them, and in the meantime fully embrace the trips, friends, and celebrations you are looking forward to. It’s such a positive sign that you didn’t get sucked under with depression and negative thoughts that rob you of the rest of your life (I need to work on this at times!)
    While I am now blessed with a child after many cycles, I can definitely say I regret the months and years where I completely lost myself in the journey, isolated myself and felt there was no other joy while going through infertility and its impact on our lives.
    Don’t worry about what comes out your mouth too much. I think with anything it’s normal to think of each case scenario, being pragmatic, having optimistic days and not so much days. Your mouth and subconscious don’t have a crystal ball – I think after negative outcomes, many of us couldn’t see things any other way but the reality is, you were meant to be a momma and the journey will lead you there. You just don’t know how it will unfold until time passes and you get here. The good news for you is, you are awesome at making that time pass filled with valuable and healthy things, and good memories.
    Everyone here gives such good advice! Love reading your blog and the others comments.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I started saying something like this out loud, just to test the waters, so to speak. It’s a bitter taste, and it especially hurts my husband, who wants to believe we’ll find our lucky egg. For me, it’s something like an attempt of some self-protection: what if we wouldn’t ever get lucky? Will there be a life after that, and what would it be?

    Liked by 1 person

    • “Test the waters” … I like that. I completely agree that there is a piece of me that is likely doing just that. It’s likely an attempt to find comfort in any outcome; because I sure don’t know what is next! There are no guarantees… I guess by saying it… I am also saying to myself I will be “ok” no matter what.

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