Today is cycle day one, which means…the ball is officially rolling for IVF #2. It’s surreal to find myself in this spot again. Typically, the start of a new cycle for the infertile means sadness and defeat that can last a few minutes, a few hours or a few days depending on what point you are at in your journey. On the flip side, the first day of a new cycle at the start of IVF treatments means a wide range of new emotions – excitement, fear, disbelief and hope. Infertility is like a circus of emotions and treatments…some days I feel like a freak show…but really I think I am more of a tight rope walker.
Looking back, throwing away the birth control pills was my broadcast to the world of my new profession. I had zero experience and no training, but there I was at the beginning of the journey and I was convinced I was going to hop on that line and breeze across the rope on my first or second attempt. But, low and behold, no such luck.
Getting my period each month was my foot slipping off the line and having to go back to the beginning over and over and over again. Frustrating to say the least. After 16 attempts, I reached out for help. I was given the best coaches, drugs and aids. I tried a variety of things – a small balancing bar, better tight rope walking shoes, and listened to some tips and tricks to fix my form. The aids gave me hope but I never made it very far down the line either.
By the time I got to IVF #1, I was on my 31st attempt across the line. This time I had a team of coaches, a balancing bar, the best tight rope walking shoes I could afford and a safety harness. The only thing missing was a net. Low and behold, I made it further down the line but lost my footing again…and fell. I hit the ground hard….and was defeated, deflated and depressed. Luckily, nothing was broken and my husband helped pick me up and brush me off and gave me the encouragement to try again.
So six months later…it’s now IVF #2 time, I got my safety harness on, my balancing bar at my side, some new shoes and even a few good luck charms around my wrist. Its lucky attempt number 37 and here I am sticking my toe out on the line, one more time, trying to find my balance.
Wish me luck!