As of today, I am at six days post transfer of two embryos on our second round of IVF, so in other words…its official…I am in the thick of the infamous two week wait (2WW).
Up until Monday, I felt like I was winning this IVF race. I successfully avoided the emotional rollercoaster through the stimulation phase, egg retrieval phase and the egg transfer phase. So, winning is actually an understatement…rather I would say I was my very own hero!! I was like “wonder woman” fighting off her greatest nemesis “doubt”.
But it’s funny how quickly we can fall from grace… On Monday, I received the disappointing news that I didn’t have anything to freeze this cycle. The two embryos we left in the lab on day three…failed to make it to day five. While this news was disappointing, it was not unexpected as I was in this boat in February too. So, I cannot blame the phone call for everything…but that disappointing news let “doubt” get its foot in the door. Now it is a culmination of three days of whispers in the back of my mind, the pings and pangs of my abdomen (or the lack there of) and way too much time to think. The bravado I had a mere three days ago that confidently said this could work…is gone. I am not a hero in this wait, I am more of a zero.
There is now a hint of doubt in every minute of every day…the symptoms I wish to see…maybe they are there, but really I think they are gone. The bloating…although it made me uncomfortable…now that it is disappearing, I miss it. The sore breasts from the trigger shot…even that pain is dissipating. It’s crazy…but I desperately want to be uncomfortable, nauseous, bloated…quite frankly I would settle for anything that shows me something is happening. *sigh*
I try so hard to not be a Negative Nelly, my blog is about optimism in the face of fear, but this week…well, Nelly’s got the best of me.