The reality of the situation is that IVF#2 was a bust. It’s disappointing, deflating, sad…there truly aren’t enough words to express what it feels like to deal with another negative outcome. Since all was confirmed on Friday, I feel like I have been walking around with a veil of sadness over me. It’s like if I try to smile, there’s these little imaginary weights holding the corners of my mouth down. Even my eyes look sad when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. *sigh*
I don’t know how I did it last week, but I successfully held off testing until the clinic’s beta date, but my gut knew the results the days leading up to the test. Some would say I was being pessimistic, but I feel like I knew in my gut that the transferred embryos hadn’t implanted; I just felt too empty.
The stick I peed on in the early morning on Friday confirmed what my gut was telling me. The phone call from the clinic later that day was just the period at the end of a long sentence.
After going through a failed first IVF, my husband and I knew it could be a tough day. Therefore, we planned to run away. So, the minute my blood test was done we jumped in the car for our last summer getaway. We headed for the mountains and it was exactly what I needed to distract myself from falling into a pit of sadness when the call came. Unfortunately, running away only distracts you for a few days and then you need to come back to reality.
This week I am back at work and the reality of the situation is that I am spent. Spent emotionally, physically, and financially. I know with time I will get my energy and light back, but today the outlook is more frustration and sadness. It’s part of the grieving process and I know I need to just let go and experience it for the time being. Tears are a good thing when surviving through infertility.
Who knows where we will go from here…we said two IVF’s were our line in the sand. Never say never though, as my parents already offered to help with another attempt….right now though my attitude is too dark to think about that and I can’t even begin to imagine success. Adoption is something that I feel very comfortable with and my husband supports that choice…so, maybe it’s finally time to get more serious about that. Who knows…all I know for sure is that I am at a crossroads and there is no need to decide everything today.
Most importantly, I just want to say “Thank You” to everyone in this community for the words of support and encouragement over the last few weeks. All your kind words and messages have meant so much. xo