On The Road to Healing Again…

I read an article this past week about infertility.  The author commented on how traumatic of an experience it is. They also went on to describe that dealing with months of  infertility is like dealing with a cut on your skin that continues to get deeper and more painful. We go through periods of healing and in that time a scab grows over the cut and things are easier again. Then when you go through treatments, any healing that has taken place is ripped away.  The cut is bumped and the scab is gone and the wound is exposed all over again. The pain is intense, the cut may bleed and unfortunately the healing process needs to start to again.

After our second failed IVF last week, I definitely related to this analogy.  I felt so great going into IVF #2, it was actually surprising to me how devastated and deflated I felt with this negative result. With IVF #1, the floor fell out from under me almost immediately after hearing the news and I cried for a day and then slowly pulled myself out of the despair as I knew we would try again down the road.

This time, I knew to distract myself with a trip out of town to digest the news.  Unfortunately this coping tactic also meant I was distracted initially and never really mourned our result…I just delayed it.  Is it the best idea to run away…not sure…but it is how I survived.  So, here I am a week after the news and I can say today is the first day that I feel a little more human. I took today off, because lets face it my head is not at work. All week I faked it…I went through the motions of life but all day every day I had a lump in my throat and my eyes and nose felt like there was a dam of tears about to bust out at any moment. (For any other 90’s SNL fans…I was verklempt! Sadly not in a funny Mike Meyers kind of way).

With my first result, the day after I picked myself up by going to a yoga class and breathed… I asked for “peace and acceptance” within myself and I truly believe the universe gave me that back. Yesterday I decided I needed to do that again…as I hadn’t had that chance yet….I gotta say for anyone hurting…breathing and feeling your body does help; it can help you feel human again.  I asked for “peace and acceptance” again…already I feel lighter. yoga

The other piece of advice that broke through all the haziness of this week was one little statement I heard on the radio. It felt like he spoke directly to me in this one  moment in the car, he said “Remember, don’t get stuck looking backward.” Its so true…so forwards I look as I try to leave the pain in the past and heal again.

18 thoughts on “On The Road to Healing Again…

  1. I am so glad you are not looking backwards, but finding strategies to help you heal and look forwards. Like you, I have tried the running away approach, and one thing that I find is that each time I come home, the bad stuff is still there just waiting for me. For me, healing doesn’t happen over night, but rather one day at a time. Sending love your way my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You did so well to last all week with a brave face. Although you might have delayed your mourning by getting away, I think you quite rightedly had a whole lot more on your plate to deal with this time.

    I advocate yoga so much for healing and a healthy body – it’s amazing isn’t it??…I haven’t taken this back up since my IVF treatment for fear of this ‘ectopic’ thing. I tried last week, but couldn’t just about survive in child’s pose!!! But I have neglected to remember about just doing some meditation – thank you for reminding me of it’s healing power…I’m going to do that this eve 🙂

    I’m hoping you feel better day by day. I will look forward to hear how it goes for you at Adoption Options 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, yoga is amazing. I totally recommend you trying a restorative class. It isn’t as physical as a typical flow or ashtanga, but it offers that same opportunity to breathe and meditate. Thank you for your supportive words. I will most definitely keep you posted. Take care dear friend!


  3. I am happy you are starting to heal a little. My second cycle failure was the worst. After that I felt a little more resilient each time. Even though this post is filled with pain, I can sense hope and determination in you. Wishing you the best. Xo

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  4. I am happy to hear yoga was kind to u. I have found it to be when I have needed it mentally in the past as well. Maybe this is a reminder I need to go back myself! I am also thinking of running away like you did, so tough. Really unfair we are in these situation. I just want to say sorry again about the failed cycle, and I am thinking of you as you try to move forward now.

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  5. My infertility journey included two IVF and 5 IUI with 2 miscarriages and otherwise just no luck, I’m glad you centered yourself again and are looking into the adoption journey, My husband and I start our PRIDE training in November, and will hopefully be adopt ready by March

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  6. It always catches me off guard when I get the BFN. I feel like I’m so jaded at this point, I would generally be surprised if I ever see a BFP. I’m fine for like a day, then something will trigger me and I will be really upset for a day to two. My DH never understands, he’s ready for the next cycle. But I have to process it all. Each cycle is a learning lesson on things you can do next time. Its a good idea to go away somewhere when your expecting results back. I took the day off from job#2 on friday, I already know its going to be negative. But just to be home, with the DH and my furbabies will be better than having to see bumps, and babies all night at job#2. I’m very sorry this didn’t happen for you for a second time. I hope you are taking care of yourself and that a clear path will soon find its way to you. I still live by the moto, day -by -day. It’s all you can do.

    Liked by 1 person

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