I read an article this past week about infertility. The author commented on how traumatic of an experience it is. They also went on to describe that dealing with months of infertility is like dealing with a cut on your skin that continues to get deeper and more painful. We go through periods of healing and in that time a scab grows over the cut and things are easier again. Then when you go through treatments, any healing that has taken place is ripped away. The cut is bumped and the scab is gone and the wound is exposed all over again. The pain is intense, the cut may bleed and unfortunately the healing process needs to start to again.
After our second failed IVF last week, I definitely related to this analogy. I felt so great going into IVF #2, it was actually surprising to me how devastated and deflated I felt with this negative result. With IVF #1, the floor fell out from under me almost immediately after hearing the news and I cried for a day and then slowly pulled myself out of the despair as I knew we would try again down the road.
This time, I knew to distract myself with a trip out of town to digest the news. Unfortunately this coping tactic also meant I was distracted initially and never really mourned our result…I just delayed it. Is it the best idea to run away…not sure…but it is how I survived. So, here I am a week after the news and I can say today is the first day that I feel a little more human. I took today off, because lets face it my head is not at work. All week I faked it…I went through the motions of life but all day every day I had a lump in my throat and my eyes and nose felt like there was a dam of tears about to bust out at any moment. (For any other 90’s SNL fans…I was verklempt! Sadly not in a funny Mike Meyers kind of way).
With my first result, the day after I picked myself up by going to a yoga class and breathed… I asked for “peace and acceptance” within myself and I truly believe the universe gave me that back. Yesterday I decided I needed to do that again…as I hadn’t had that chance yet….I gotta say for anyone hurting…breathing and feeling your body does help; it can help you feel human again. I asked for “peace and acceptance” again…already I feel lighter.
The other piece of advice that broke through all the haziness of this week was one little statement I heard on the radio. It felt like he spoke directly to me in this one moment in the car, he said “Remember, don’t get stuck looking backward.” Its so true…so forwards I look as I try to leave the pain in the past and heal again.