A Door Closes & A Window Opens a Crack…

Since learning in September of our 2nd IVF failure…I would say that MIA is a good way to describe my activity online. As I mentioned in my last post, I was on the path to healing…but still had a long ways to go. While I continued to catch my breath, a busy, unexpected need at work turned into a gift of distraction. It’s rewarding when my mind is kept occupied fixing problems that I can actually fix. Not to mention that feeling needed professionally goes a long way toward my emotional well-being.

Healing from infertility disappointment is definitely an uphill battle – time and patience is a necessity. In reflection, this 2nd IVF failure was definitely felt deeper than the first. I exited this attempt with a much more negative attitude toward IVF as a solution for us too. Condolences and suggestions of friends and family to not worry and try IVF again tasted sour in my thoughts. My gut was telling me that IVF was the wrong path to take again in our journey…I know something wasn’t working – eggs, sperm, drugs. But, I also had to step back and recognize that I am likely still very angry about my result on some level and no judgement or decision can be made until after our follow-up appointment with our doctor.

Of course, the timeliness of follow-up appointments is never great…so I definitely had some time to kill between our result on September 11th and October 7th. During this time, my husband and I talked and talked and talked…and the one solution that held the most hope for us was adoption. With every defeat we face there comes a need to take a step forward to heal and the step forward we decided to investigate seriously was open adoption. It’s definitely not the shortest route to a family, but it’s a path of blessings and it is perhaps my only open window in a closed door situation. The path of adoption doesn’t involve needles, drugs, medical procedures or two week waits, rather the path of adoption involves a whole new set of skills involving paperwork, invasive personal questions, openness to scrutiny, and most definitely patience. While some couples may need to debate how they feel about their child having no genetic link to them, for us, it was a non-issue. Love is all that matters. In my opinion, family is built from memories, shared experiences and unconditional love…for us, there is no genetic link required to make a family.

Despite our positive thoughts toward adoption, we still had to see through our follow-up appointment as we will always hold hope for that miracle discussion or idea. Gearing up for the appointment, all I could think in my head was please don’t say “let’s try another round of IVF.” For once, my dreams came true in that office. Although the feedback was honest, hearing the truth hurt more than I expected. Basically, IVF is no longer recommended for our pursuit of a family. After two poor IVF cycles, our doctor feels the results point toward poor quality eggs. He holds hope that a spontaneous pregnancy could still happen, but I think the idea of returning to a scheduled sex life is scarier than living a life without children for us. The doctor felt the only ART options left for us were egg or embryo donation. This idea wasn’t a surprise to either of us, it was like I knew exactly what he was going say, what I didn’t expect was the sadness that followed…the scab grown over my 2nd failure was ripped off in the office and all the emotions – sadness, anger, denial, fear – they all came back. On my way home from the appointment, I let myself cry and grieve the IVF results again and my the unfairness of the situation and the unknown future.

So here we sit…with three amazing options in front of us… adoption, embryo donation and egg donation. They all have pros and cons, they all deserve more thought. So, the “IVF Door” may be closed, but the new baby window is now open a crack.Door closes

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14 thoughts on “A Door Closes & A Window Opens a Crack…

  1. I know that you must be experiencing about a thousand emotions at once, but I am relieved to see that you are also realizing that there are amazing options in front of you! I’m excited to watch the next steps unfold for you!!
    P.S. I’ve been meaning to send you an email – I’ll try to do that today while I’m on a conference call. 🙂

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  2. I can imagine that meeting was so hard. I am so sorry for the pain and healing you must endure. I am so hopeful for you though. There are so many options to a family and the thing we need most in this journey is the hope that our baby will come. The hope carries us through the dark and keeps us going. Lots of love to you.

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  3. I get it. No, really, I do. We started the adoption process during the early stages of infertility as we knew it would take a long time, plus my hubby and I said long ago we always wanted kids no matter if they were “homegrown or storebought” 🙂 So we started the international adoption process to adopt a little girl in Ethiopia (we kept the age range pretty broad: 3 mos to 4 years), and so 5 months after the initial application, we’ve completed the home study and are now waiting for the feds (homeland security approves these now!) to approve which should be later this month. Then everything goes to Ethiopia for them to review, which could take 12-18 months longer. So in the meantime we did our first donor egg IVF (my eggs have apparently left the building as Injections alone gave me a whopping 1.5 eggs, so regular IVF was never an option). Our first round earlier this month turned out to be a BFN so we’re going to try one more time in December. If that doesn’t work, I’ll probably stop, but we got a LOT of good eggs from our donor (out of 20, 13 made it to day 5), so there are a dozen in the freezer currently. ANYHOW, I must say we are both SO happy we started the adoption process when we did and have such a wonderful agency (Adoption Avenues) whose philosophy on those who do get pregnant while adopting is “great! the more the merrier!” 🙂

    IVF is a terror. My arse is still bruised and I’ve been off the injections for days and still waiting for my period that they claimed would be here right now. I applaud you for sharing your story and all the complex feelings that come with it. Sending all the positive energy to help you do what’s right for you – trust yourself!

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  4. I can imagine the appointment was difficult, but at least knowing the options and recommendations can help lead you on the next steps of your journey. In my heart of hearts I feel as if I am going to be hearing the same thing once we get the results from our genetic testing. And you are right, love is all that matters.

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  5. I’m glad you were able to grieve and feel. When I think about adoption I just picture this long yellow brick road that goes off into the distance and you can tell where the road ends and the sky begins. It takes a strong marriage and and even stronger women to start walking on that road. Whether you choose that and/or embryo adoption/egg donation I feel like you have your mind clear and ready. I love keeping up with blogs like yours, b/c they aren’t always about rounds and round of treatments, but adoption and even childless lives too. Its a great way to get a perspective on things.

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    • Yes, definitely a yellow brick road scenario. I am glad someone told me I couldn’t keep tryin the same treatment… It was hard to hear but a blessing too; especially when you take a step back and consider your relationship with your partner and the other alternatives.

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  6. Sounds like there’s some relief in closing that door for you. Personally I think which one you pursue could depend on how much you want to carry a child. If carrying and giving birth are important to you, then egg or embryo donation is a great option. I know a lady who just did a egg donor cycle in South Africa, where it’s very affordable. She’s pregnant with twins! Adoption is a great option if carrying a while is not as big a priority as building a family. Good luck with your choice. Do you know anyone who might donate? A sister or friend?

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    • Yes there is relief. The rollercoaster wears thin. I have friends who would donate, but both are too old (RE wanted under 35) and I don’t have a sister. I think egg donation through a bank would be the way to go, but for Canadians the cost is very high as u need to pay in US $. The waiting list for embryos is about the same as for adoption, so definitely leaning that way. Will see how we feel after our adoption seminar.

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      • It might be worth checking out international programs too. In Australia if we want eggs from the egg bank, we pay around $16,000 (just for the eggs – the ivf is more again!), including to have them shipped here. (There’s no Australian egg bank.) So if you don’t have a known donor, it’s actually cheaper to go on an overseas trip to a country with an excellent but cheaper program. Like my friend who went to South Africa. She got an amazing trip for her and hubby, egg donor cycle, all meds and her treatment covered and paid around $15,000 for the lot. Brits often go to Spain and other parts of Europe.

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      • Thanks Emma! That is definitely food for thought. I have been following the blog of someone who went to Spain, so I should pay a little closer attention and do a little more research.

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