A Door Closes & A Window Opens a Crack…

Since learning in September of our 2^nd IVF failure…I would say that MIA is a good way to describe my activity online. As I mentioned in my last post, I was on the path to healing…but still had a long ways to go. While I continued to catch my breath, a busy, unexpected need at work turned into a gift of distraction. It’s rewarding when my mind is kept occupied fixing problems that I can actually fix. Not to mention that feeling needed professionally goes a long way toward my emotional well-being.

Healing from infertility disappointment is definitely an uphill battle – time and patience is a necessity. In reflection, this 2^nd IVF failure was definitely felt deeper than the first. I exited this attempt with a much more negative attitude toward IVF as a solution for us too. Condolences and suggestions of friends and family to not worry and try IVF again tasted sour in my thoughts. My gut was telling me that IVF was the wrong path to take again in our journey…I know something wasn’t working – eggs, sperm, drugs. But, I also had to step back and recognize that I am likely still very angry about my result on some level and no judgement or decision can be made until after our follow-up appointment with our doctor.

Of course, the timeliness of follow-up appointments is never great…so I definitely had some time to kill between our result on September 11^th and October 7^th. During this time, my husband and I talked and talked and talked…and the one solution that held the most hope for us was adoption. With every defeat we face there comes a need to take a step forward to heal and the step forward we decided to investigate seriously was open adoption. It’s definitely not the shortest route to a family, but it’s a path of blessings and it is perhaps my only open window in a closed door situation. The path of adoption doesn’t involve needles, drugs, medical procedures or two week waits, rather the path of adoption involves a whole new set of skills involving paperwork, invasive personal questions, openness to scrutiny, and most definitely patience. While some couples may need to debate how they feel about their child having no genetic link to them, for us, it was a non-issue. Love is all that matters. In my opinion, family is built from memories, shared experiences and unconditional love…for us, there is no genetic link required to make a family.

Despite our positive thoughts toward adoption, we still had to see through our follow-up appointment as we will always hold hope for that miracle discussion or idea. Gearing up for the appointment, all I could think in my head was please don’t say “let’s try another round of IVF.” For once, my dreams came true in that office. Although the feedback was honest, hearing the truth hurt more than I expected. Basically, IVF is no longer recommended for our pursuit of a family. After two poor IVF cycles, our doctor feels the results point toward poor quality eggs. He holds hope that a spontaneous pregnancy could still happen, but I think the idea of returning to a scheduled sex life is scarier than living a life without children for us. The doctor felt the only ART options left for us were egg or embryo donation. This idea wasn’t a surprise to either of us, it was like I knew exactly what he was going say, what I didn’t expect was the sadness that followed…the scab grown over my 2^nd failure was ripped off in the office and all the emotions – sadness, anger, denial, fear – they all came back. On my way home from the appointment, I let myself cry and grieve the IVF results again and my the unfairness of the situation and the unknown future.

So here we sit…with three amazing options in front of us… adoption, embryo donation and egg donation. They all have pros and cons, they all deserve more thought. So, the “IVF Door” may be closed, but the new baby window is now open a crack.