A year in retrospect…

I survived 2015. I think I deserve a medal for this one. In hindsight, 2015 will go down in the record books as the most difficult year of my life. Today, as I type, my soul is still wounded, but I know that each day I am getting stronger.

For nine months of 2015, my focus was a 100% on the quest for a child. Those nine months were spent either preparing for IVF, doing IVF, or surviving failed IVFs. We did two attempts of the miracle treatment– one in February/March and a second one in August/September. I have come to appreciate that IVF is a physical sprint and an emotional marathon. Nothing can prepare you for the emotions, mind games or physicality that this treatment demands from you. Most people just think it’s the money that is the hurdle, but really the money for treatment is just the first bitch-slap before the fight really starts.

On the other side of two failed treatments was the October diagnosis that we are dealing with poor egg quality and further IVF treatments was not recommended. As devastating as this news was, it was also a relief. I had a reason, an explanation….as a person who thrives on facts…at least an answer adds up to some sort of release. These answers lead us to pursuing adoption and, although the adoption road is long, it is as close to a sure thing as we have ever had. It was exciting and therapeutic to pull all the pieces together to make our formal application a reality in November.

By the end of November, the pressure was off…it was almost a relief to have a much broader take on life again. By choosing the adoption route, I could let go many aspects of a neurotic, infertile brain. I let go of what day of the month it was, I stopped symptom spotting and I let go of trying to control everything. I want to be a mother and I have faith it will happen, but I really have no control over how fast or what scenario that it will happen in. So, in the meantime…enjoy the ride!

Little did I realize that the ride I was just taking a turn for the worse. I thought the quality of my life could improve again…the road ahead was flat and long. But then, out of nowhere the road dropped off again when my parents announced their separation at the end of November. After almost 40 years together in what seemed like a picture perfect marriage, the white picket fence family I thought I knew was gone. It shook my foundation and added a whole new layer of grief to the mix. On the positive side, it forced me to really step back from the infertility….I know whole heartedly today that life is so much more than that one quest.

Today I am thankful I was able to let a lot of the infertility stuff go this Christmas. It’s definitely there still, but it isn’t bubbling at the surface like it was a year ago. I know I won’t crumble at the first hint of a question about kids. At the same time, I think I went into  some sort of self-preservation mode…I notice I don’t ask my pregnant friends about their pregnancies or birth stories, I really don’t spend a lot of time with their kids and I like to avoid holding a baby. For now, I acknowledge the bubble I am living in and I am rather content to stay here…it’s safer that way.

2015 was a brutal year…I don’t think I have ever teetered on the edge like I have in the last 12 months.  This year it feels like I ran to the edge of a cliff and then hung on to the edge with the tip of my one big toe. I swayed back and forth a bit …but I am happy to say that my feet are firmly planted back on the ground, while quietly exhaling out, “Yikes! That was close.”

Now, what else can I say but bring on 2016!

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24 thoughts on “A year in retrospect…

  1. It’s both a relief and a sucky thing for me to read the first paragraph and say “hey, me too!” being in this as well. Out of curiosity, are you no longer looking at donor egg IVF? My eggs are kaput as well so we are getting ready for our 2nd round of that (I figured it’d be more fun to stretch it out by only doing one embryo at a time…you know, test my mental health!! haha no really though we just don’t want twins as we’re also adopting). I gotta say, every time something progresses in our adoption process, it makes the DEIVF a bit more manageable. The adoption process for us has grown to feel more real, as it seems my being pregnant is perhaps just icing on an already good cake. But of course it took a f**ker of 2015 to get me to realize that. Bring on the new year, for sure!!!

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    • Oops…meant to reply to your post directly – check out the comment I made as it answers your question. Glad to see you saying adios to 2015. My hope is that 2016 has nothing but good things in store for us all!!

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  2. Goodbye 2015!! 🙂 As for you question, we still have the option of DE, but the cost is just too high right now. Especially with the Canadian dollar so poor. We would have no choice but to get DE through a bank in the US or overseas.

    So, for our sanity, I feel like we need to put our energy into the “sure thing”. We may have the option to pursue donor embryos…but a lot of hoops there to get through. I feel like things are still moving as a possibility…but I am also okay to let things rest for now.

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    • Ah gotcha. Yeah this stuff is expensive I agree! Our clinic here in Portland, Northwest Fertility, you might consider bookmarking for the future if you do decide to go that route, as from what I’ve learned they are way more economical than a lot of places that do donor egg, and everything is handled in-house. I think it’s just because they’re a small operation compared to the huge “buy an egg” type programs out there, so he has a smaller selection of egg donors to choose from. I think the donor got somewhere between $3-5K. Anyhow, neither here nor there, I know what you mean about choosing where to put your energy! We learn so much about ourselves during this!!

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  3. It’s inspiring to read this, I think we’re in a fairly similar situation but I’m still stuck in that limbo of one more free NHS cycle, the chances aren’t great – I have variable egg quality – not screwed but not normal either. In many ways I wished someone had taken the 3rd cycle away so I could jump straight to adoption but I can’t bring myself to walk away whilst there is still a chance.

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  4. What a year. 2015 was an earth shaker for you. Happy to ring in 2016 with you 🎉🎊.

    I also genuinely lol’d at paying for IVF being the first of many bitch slaps. Preach. It seems like a big hurdle and it is, until you’re two cycles in and realize the biggest cost is to your sanity 😂😣😏🙄😜

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  5. Do I ever wish you lived just around the corner and we could pull up a chair to a big cup of hot chocolate and Baileys, or a wine bottle or three, and send out this hellish year behind us. I guess with one chance at this life, we press forward with hope, faith, and your best sidekick… optimism 😉 I can’t wait to see 2016 bring you comfort and joy, comfort and joy! Happy NEW Year! xo

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