“You’re so lucky!”

This is a bit of a rant from a few weekends ago. You see, I found myself dumbfounded as a couple of fertile friends-of-friends told me and my husband how lucky we were to not have children. Seriously?

I had to bite my tongue. I desperately wanted to lash out in that moment…but I couldn’t. 2378464240399864090ron44aycI wrestled with whether I should make some snide sarcastic comment. The words even sat on the tip of my tongue ready to be flung…but I held it in and let the pit in my stomach grow instead.

I am pretty open with our journey with friends…so no one in my immediate circle would be so foolish as to say something like this. But, on Saturday I was reminded that there are lots of people out there who just don’t think; infertility is a foreign concept.

Saturday was supposed to be this super fun night out with a larger group of people taking in a pro-sports event. The evening included dinner before and drinks after. It was the type of event/outing I would have been all over five years ago before I was married. Needless to say, I was excited to go out and enjoy a few drinks on the town. It has been three years since I was able to say yes to something like this where I wasn’t in the middle of drugs or treatment plans. My spirits were up and my guard was down.

For the most part the night was fun, but there was this foolish/awkward moment towards the end of dinner when we were mingling with a few couples we had just met. As expected, the question of kids came up, “Do you have any kids?” and I replied with my well-rehearsed response “No, not at this point.” One of the two ladies said, “What, no kids? Oh my god…you are sooo lucky!” I awkwardly half smiled, while the wheels in my head went into overdrive.

Based on the expression on my face I expected the commentary to stop (I am sure the words “F*#k OFF!” were tattooed on my forehead), instead the second woman didn’t miss a beat and jumped in too, “No really, you have no idea how envious we are of you guys right now.”  From there they both proceeded to reminisce about the days of sleeping in and no kid commitments. The icing on the cake was that one of them even had her new baby sleeping in the car seat beside her.

As they chatted all I could think was, is this really happening? Do they have any idea what they are saying? My rational-self stepped in at this point and reassured me to calm down (they just don’t realize). In the moment I attempted to stay present, but my irrational-self started thinking of all the sarcastic come backs I could puke on to the table:

“Yes, our fertility doctor would think we were lucky too…or rather I should say his bank account is.”

“Yes, it’s so much fun going through 3 IUI’s and 2 IVF’s and taking clomid. Good times!”

“Yes, 37 consecutive failed attempts is a real blast….sleeping in so much better!”

Endless dark comments sat on the tip of my tongue…but in the end my rational-self  responded and said, “Oh, you have no idea” as I looked at my husband. He gave me an all knowing reassuring smile that immediately grounded me and gave my heart a warm hug.  Thankfully from there the subject changed as we had to leave for the game.

As we walked to the stadium, I could feel the pit in the my stomach and a bit of the shine of the night wearing off. Dammit! The monkey on my back was now coming to the game too. I didn’t do it intentionally, but I avoided those two girls for the rest of the night. I sat beside my best friend and told her what had happened. She was empathetic and decided the cure was another beer, which I agreed. I stuck with her for the rest of the night and picked my spirits up by sharing the news about our Embryo Donation opportunity.

The next day as I nursed my hang-over I questioned if I should have said something. I feel like people need to be educated, but I also know that I did the right thing by doing nothing in that particular moment.  It was foolish of both of them and I need to pick my battles and surroundings. I don’t want to be a ‘debbie downer’ or morph myself into a person others need to tip toe around.

There’s no doubt, they were being extremely foolish. If I had responded to them, I would have made them feel even more foolish and made the moment heavier for everyone in the conversation. I am no martyr, but understanding the impact of my words is more important to my spirit than an awkward moment.

I know in my heart that if the circumstances were different…a casual coffee or a more intimate setting…I would have politely corrected and educated them so that they would have realized, they were the lucky ones.

 

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24 thoughts on ““You’re so lucky!”

  1. You handled that much better than I probably would have. Seriously what are these women thinking? If they took two seconds to think about what it would take for them to give up being a mother they wouldn’t say such insensitive things.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh man, those comments! Im not sure how I would have reacted outwardly, but I do know it would have made me so upset inside. Im sorry these girls take what they have for granted ((obviously)). Im glad u bounced back and had a beer with a friend who understands.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hate these moments and conversations. It makes me want to crawl into a hole and scream and cry. But alas- grabbing another beer is the better response. I think one of the saddest parts of this story is that those two women don’t treasure motherhood like someone should and like all of us will and do. To me that is their major loss- not ours. What a waste to not have the perspective to treasure such a gift. Hugs to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I would have said something, but very politely and very early so as to avoid the conversation completely. Perhaps instead of ‘No not yet’, your answer to the kids questions could be ‘We haven’t been blessed yet, but we are trying.’ This doesn’t create a downer, or force you to open up to people you don’t know very well. But it might just stop people from going on about how lucky you are. Glad you pulled the night back and still had some fun.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Wowza Ally, how do you always know what to say and how to say it? Do you offer coaching services for others in this situation? 😉 Even when hurting, you still preserve situations and are so kind. I’m glad good friends and hubby were a part of your night so that you had support.
    Sometimes ‘going out’ in the midst of this stuff makes me nervous, too… you want to maintain some semblance of your previous life and activities that you enjoy (and you deserve it!) but you fear certain topics being brought up or getting stuck in an awkward social moment. I must admit that after many years, I sometimes try to say something back that will keep people from saying something to me again, or perhaps other people, as diplomatically as possible. At this point it feels better than reliving the moment and regretting my silence in bed each night. That’s for people I’ll see again (social circle, colleagues, etc.) Other times – staying mum and swearing in my head!
    What you said was perfect, and like others said, you were the bigger person! Booze helps too 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Maybe I should start my own tutoring business? 😀

      I don’t know if I walked away from that situation with the bright side figured out as in the moment I always feel pretty low… But whenever I sit down to write and reflect, I need to leave myself and my readers with the positive. It’s always there… You just have to train yourself to see it. Sometimes it just takes time to appear. 🙂

      Like

  6. Pingback: Infertility: The Monkey On My Back… | uncomfortably optimistic

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