My last post was focussed on fear of failure and I essentially shared all the scary stories that float around in my head. I am happy to report after that post that I feel like my act of sharing powerfully resulted in me letting so many of these fears go. Of course they are still there at times, but rather than being in the front row heckling…they are now sitting towards the back of the auditorium that is my mind. Yay!!
In the world of the upcoming embryo transfer, things are definitely trucking along. I officially started treatment last Monday and I am now a slave to the five 4-hour alarms a day on my phone. I get the odd headache from the nasal spray, but aside from that minor annoyance I am fine. I do think I might be a little more sensitive though as I nearly cried at the accountant’s office when I realized I had forgotten an education receipt for our taxes. The tears were just beneath the surface and it was all I could do to hold it together as we left the office. I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders for no good reason other than that my hormones were amplifying the situation tenfold. Luckily my husband is strong and he took the weight of the world off my shoulders with a few quick reassuring words.
On top of the kick-off to drugs this past week, my husband and I also started the next big step – the building of a relationship with the donating couple and their family. It was going to be a night at the pub, but we ended up landing on a Sunday dinner together. We also got the pleasure of meeting their two children. The night turned out great, but ringing the doorbell was as nerve wracking as a first date. A half an hour into the evening we were chatting like old friends and eating make-believe fruit salad that their kids had whipped up in the play kitchen. It was a lovely night and it was good to be infused with their excitement and the hope we all have for a happy ending.
On top of all this, I also continued with my at-home self-help work. I finished the book “Rising Strong” by Brene Brown and I am contemplating running out to get her other book “Daring Greatly.” I definitely recommend “Rising Strong” to anyone as the emotional falls and uprising she talks about in great detail through the book definitely correlate with the infertility rollercoaster as well as many other crisis and failures we all face in life.
One big nugget that I am taking from the book is this idea of ‘Permission Slips’. Brown describes them as literal post-it notes she keeps in her pocket that remind her and gives her permission to feel emotions. Many of us suppress emotions, me included…especially when the emotional stakes are so high on the other end. I know if I am not careful, I could end up holding myself back from feeling excited about our upcoming transfer. Why? Well, because I want to protect myself from the hurt that follows disappointment (seems I err on the side of caution versus success). When I look back, I sometimes feel like I spent a great deal of time bracing myself for the worst with the 2nd IVF…this mindset obviously makes it very challenging to stay hopeful. She writes, “…writing down permission becomes a powerful intention to stay aware.”
This time around, I intentionally want to choose hope versus fear. So, I am giving myself a handful of permission slips to keep with me at all times. They are:
I give myself permission to get excited.
I give myself permission to not worry about anyone else’s feelings.
I give myself permission to forget about past failures.
And, most importantly…
I give myself permission to hope with reckless abandon.