The Homestretch

“No testing prior to June 1”… that is what the yellow sticker on my beta paperwork says. Hard to believe it is just a few days away now. Like a complex recipe… I am one part relieved, another part terrified and, of course, one big part excited too.

finish

Having been through two negative IVF results before, I can’t help but look at the week ahead strategically. I have received one negative result while at work and another one while on a road trip with my husband. I have to admit that I preferred the news while with my husband and away from a regular day of work/life. Unfortunately, this go around I have poorly planned my life and I am staring down the barrel of loaded mid-week test, I will have no choice but to learn of my results at work…however, I could delay my test a few more days? (Wow…can’t even believe I am suggesting that one!!).

Getting to the end of the two week wait is like reaching the end of an ultra-marathon of positive and negative thoughts (a true mind f*** if I do say so myself). However, for me this go around I seem to have tapped into my inner Jedi and I have found mostly peace of thought the last two weeks which is why I feel like it is possible for me to drag out my test date. How did I achieve this peace of mind? Well, I credit the inner work  I did earlier in April and May where I looked my greatest fears firmly in the face. I highly recommend the book “Rising Strong” by Brene Brown for anyone on this journey. I can honestly say that her words of wisdom and encouragement to lean into the discomfort of pain made all the difference for me today.

I do wonder if this thought of delaying is like bracing for another negative though…the truth is if you were to ask me now what I think my result will be…I truly believe it might have worked this time. I don’t have any symptoms to base the optimism on; I just have this feeling that “something” is different. The last time I was in the two week wait was in September and by this point in the process I knew it hadn’t worked. I was already grieving…and I hadn’t even peed on a stick yet; my certainty of failure was just plain old woman’s intuition. This time, if I was a betting woman on intuition, I would say it will be a positive test. (Yikes!! this is a truly terrifying statement to even think, let alone share with any one at this stage…but hey, I gave myself permission to hope with reckless abandon and by golly I am).

Now don’t get too excited for me…there is still what seems many days to go. This feeling is literally that…just a feeling. I haven’t gone out and purchased a crib yet, but I am quietly and cautiously optimistic today and I am hoping this optimism will lead me to the right decision this week. At the end of all this, ‘what will be, will be’ and if I fall, I will get back up again. I have such peace in knowing that I have done everything I can in this journey…so please share my hope that this time is our time too.

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17 thoughts on “The Homestretch

  1. I share that hope with you, with every fibre in my body. ❤️
    Your state of mind is such an inspiration and ultimately so healthy for you… through the pain this journey has brought you much perspective, grace and introspection at such a remarkable level. I want to be you when u grow up. In the meantime, I’m looking up that book on Amazon.

    Liked by 1 person

      • lol…I love all your responses! Thank you for your kind words… I definitely feel the love of everyone this week. Everyone is cheering for us…and I can feel it despite the distance and anonymity. It’s so touching 😅

        My stomach has been in knots since posting as I feel like I went far out on the ledge with the feeling I have and my guess at a BFP. Now I am doubting everything!

        As for that book… Do read it! 🤓

        Like

  2. Good for you for embracing the optimism. Don’t second guess that or start letting doubt creep in. Nothing you write or say or think will change the results so you might as well embrace hope and optimism right now. I am going to be right there with you picturing a positive test whenever you decide to take it. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Big. Fat. No. | uncomfortably optimistic

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