Big. Fat. No.

Well, the verdict came down last week and the results were that my woman’s intuition was drunk on estrogen and progesterone suppositories. As confident as I was the last day I posted it was a positive, the minute I clicked publish the doubts rushed in and the subsequent hours before testing dragged on.

I know I thought it would be possible to hold out a few extra days, but that was really a silly thought as there is no waiting for results when the beta day rolls around. Like a kid on Christmas morning, I ripped open that home pregnancy test as fast as I could and raced to the bathroom.

Seeing the same old 1 line news was no surprise and as much as it was a kick to the gut again, this one was a little less painful.  I think likely because we have our adoption pieces in motion and we are officially waiting.  I feel fortunate that I avoided those extreme low feelings of grieve and loss….but then my husband questioned if we are just getting numb to the process (yikes, that is a scary/depressing thought).  Don’t get me wrong, it was still a bummer…but not the devastating fall from grace I have felt before. By the time the nurse called that afternoon with the officially beta results, I was doing pretty good….I was also extremely distracted by a hectic day at work (gotta love the timing on that one).

By far, the hardest part of the day was telling our donating couple that the treatment was a bust. We had spent some time building a relationship and I know we were all looking forward to our unique family bond we would have…but then *poof* it was gone. I think we all felt the loss for that relationship more than anything. I am going to have to have them over for dinner to say thank you or something…as their kindness has brought me renewed hope for the future despite the outcome we face.

So, where do we go from here? Well, firstly, we continue to wait for adoption. Secondly, the clinic informed me last week that because we were now officially registered in the Embryo Donation Program with all our paperwork in order, we can now move on to a second attempt with an anonymous donor. Our next appointment is 12 weeks away in August, so that gives us time for a little break in between. The best news is we can add normalcy back to our lives and relax and enjoy our summer in the mean time.








27 thoughts on “Big. Fat. No.

  1. Argh I’m so sorry you didn’t get a positive result. It’s so disappointing after all the due diligence and preparation you have to put in for donor embryos. It’s great you’re not experiencing the total fall from grace. I think after so many knock backs they just don’t knock you back the same way?. Maybe we are better equipped at dealing with the negatives ☺️It’s great you’re looking into adoption too. I always find having a plan to focus on if it doesn’t work helps. Be kind to yourself xo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dang that sucks. I was thinking about my (anonymous) donor myself and how she has no idea that her eggs haven’t worked with us after 3X.

    Please have about ten margaritas (five for you, five for me as I await my 6/23 transfer) OK?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ah crap. I’m so sorry to hear this. My intuition has also been drunk on a few occasions. It sometimes make me doubt my gut (which I try to rely on). I’m so glad to hear you are handle the let down well. Thinking about you and sending hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m so sorry. 😥 I really am, and I was so hopeful this would be your time. I’m so glad you, the amazing, resilient and optimistic person you are, have processed the news as you have, accepting it and finding a way not to rob yourself of life in the meantime as you remain in the wait. I’ve said it before, I look up to you so much and respect your head and heart space big time. Whether it’s another attempt or putting one foot in front of the next on the path to adoption, you have plans and possibilities and despite the disappointment are one step closer than you were yesterday. Big hugs to you my friend. Sending you lots of love! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! Your words are always so perfect, timely and always find a way to lift me up. My optimistic thinking is what gets me thru along with all the support from friends like you! I hope you are well… I am looking forward to your next post 🙂


  5. You are truly amazing. Your husband is so lucky to have you as his partner for life and I hope everyday gets easier as you get closer to that end goal. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so sorry that it didn’t work. It sucks. I’m glad you’re picking yourself up so quickly. I’m in my third TWW after transfer and not feeling remotely optimistic most of the time. I hope at least it means the recovery will be quicker. Sounds like you’ve got your plans in place which is brilliant. Go out and have some fun….you deserve it!! X

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Im so sorry it didn’t work. It totally sucks. I’m glad you have a good plan moving forward. I’ve found that knowing what’s next has helped me move forward a little easier. Sending hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m good. 🙂 I can’t tell you how much it helps to be on the adoption wait list. I don’t have that square one / nothing feeling. I can’t get excited about the wait… But at least things are in motion.

      How are you doing? I think of you very often.

      Thanks for thinking of me! 💛


  8. I think of you often, too!
    I’ve been wanting to write an update but it’s been heavy. I’m trying to wrap my brain around what to write, and pondering if I should dare share what I’m really struggling with, as well as find the emotional energy. And yet, it always feels so cathartic to write and so healing to get feedback and encouragement from those who get it and can relate. I will try to get my act together.
    Hang in there. Waiting is for the birds. But one day that wait will be over and you will be the bestest Mommy ever.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aaah… Thanks! As for you, I think you should share. There is nothing that is too heavy for any of us to read. And, it always feels so good to get it out.

      Take the chance, you will be rewarded with a release. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s