Ok…maybe I’m not done :)

Oh the intoxicating allure of hope…  I sat in my car this afternoon cringing at the thought of hopping on the hope wagon.  Sure enough though, as soon the elevator doors opened and my husband and I walked through the clinic doors…I was drunk on hope again.

I don’t know if its the smell of the antiseptic or the color of paint on the walls or the familiarity of the chairs.  No matter what it is, I am comfortable in this all too familiar waiting room that flows with an undercurrent of hope all around.

Our appointment was good. It was like the movies when you see the single woman go in picking her sperm donor.  Do you want him to be 32 years old, 6’0″ with brown hair  and eyes with an Italian descent? Or perhaps 6’4″ with a Norwegian decent and blue eyes?  But after the guys details, we got their wife’s details…and now we get to pick the potential baby concoction that these two people could make.

We ended up with four files to choose from. No extra information provided other than what cycle they were on, how many embryos they had, what day # they are…and details on how their situation shook out. As well, we were told if we are the first to grab some of their leftovers.

Its funny, with IVF I learned how to interpret my results…but this is different, now we have to judge someone else’s results, make an educated crap shoot guess and roll the dice!  Luckily the doctor weighed in and gave her order of preference for us to pick from…this matched my initial thoughts, so that helps with the decision making.

My husband compared our appointment after we left to the excitement of the casino.  Should we put it all on red? or lucky #23? (Oh, how we do love roulette!)

Now back to the question…am I done?

I really thought I was done before I walked through those doors. Must have been all the questions I asked in my appointment, but the doctor picked up on my mood and noted that I was likely struggling from a bit of “fertility fatigue” and recommended the therapist as a resource.  I guess this feeling of  “being done” is nothing new and pretty common when you have been on the ride as long as we have.

So, am I done?  I don’t think so…but time will tell.

Done Try Again




12 thoughts on “Ok…maybe I’m not done :)

  1. I’m glad you wrote this. You’ve been popping up in my mind lately and I didn’t see how your last attempt went although the lack of updates gave me a sinking feeling…

    You guys are very brave. Third-party reproduction is all the fun of IVF plus SO many more decisions and layers and complications. It is terrifying, and I know it was never something you imagined, but if this is what works, that’s all that will really matter in the end. I don’t know why it has come to this for you. I don’t understand why your last attempt wasn’t the answer when it seemed so perfect. All I can say is that I once tried to kill that damn un-killable hope inside me too and I am so grateful now that it kept floating back up to the surface. I’m hoping and praying that this is now the very last barrier you have to break down to get to your child. xx

    Liked by 3 people

    • Ah thanks! I appreciate the kinds words. I think of you too. I have wondered how so many of the ladies I follow have been doing through my hiatus. It’s a long journey and I am so glad so many of you have ended up on the other side. I hope you are doing well. Hopefully I will get to the other side sooner than later 🙂


  2. I was thinking about you the last couple days and wanting to reach out… wondering how you are doing. As always – my heart lifted up to see you had written. Man, this journey is just soul-sucking, exhausting, scary… you have such an authentic and real way of bringing us along with you in these moments. I felt like I was walking into the clinic with you, but feeling what you were feeling and wanting to console and encourage you.
    I think I can hear your heartsong 🙂 It takes so much bravery and strength, but you are brave and strong both! I wish I could make it easier for you.
    I am rooting for you, whatever you decide and however you feel – it will be right because it came from your heart. Hang in there! xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey Claire! I was wondering about you the last few weeks. Thank you for your note. I don’t think I could get thru this journey without this blog and community. I had no intention to write, but then I just had to. I had to tell you…and everyone else. What a stupid crazy ride.

      How are you? I would love to read your blog again. Did you set up your PW?

      I hope you are well. I think of you so often. Hugs!


  3. You have such depth and character and resilience. I can tell you still have fight in you– even if it is buried under fatigue. Wishing you guys so much love in this next step.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh girl I remember picking out our egg donor and it was like, well, which one *may* look like me based on hair and eye color and height and ethnicity? The ones that my doc had luckily didn’t have more descriptions than that, I just went off of proven success, but if we were looking for a whole embryo I’d probably just toss the names in a hat as I could never decide! The best thing that helped us was treating it like getting to be pregnant with a child we’ve adopted – best of both worlds 🙂

    And oh dang that quote speaks to me big time right now…oy!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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