IVF #2: Ramblings from the 2WW

/ valleyally

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As of today, I am at six days post transfer of two embryos on our second round of IVF, so in other words…its official…I am in the thick of the infamous two week wait (2WW).

Up until Monday, I felt like I was winning this IVF race. I successfully avoided the emotional rollercoaster through the stimulation phase, egg retrieval phase and the egg transfer phase. So, winning is actually an understatement…rather I would say I was my very own hero!! I was like “wonder woman” fighting off her greatest nemesis “doubt”.

But it’s funny how quickly we can fall from grace… On Monday, I received the disappointing news that I didn’t have anything to freeze this cycle. The two embryos we left in the lab on day three…failed to make it to day five. While this news was disappointing, it was not unexpected as I was in this boat in February too. So, I cannot blame the phone call for everything…but that disappointing news let “doubt” get its foot in the door. Now it is a culmination of three days of whispers in the back of my mind, the pings and pangs of my abdomen (or the lack there of) and way too much time to think. The bravado I had a mere three days ago that confidently said this could work…is gone. I am not a hero in this wait, I am more of a zero.

There is now a hint of doubt in every minute of every day…the symptoms I wish to see…maybe they are there, but really I think they are gone. The bloating…although it made me uncomfortable…now that it is disappearing, I miss it. The sore breasts from the trigger shot…even that pain is dissipating. It’s crazy…but I desperately want to be uncomfortable, nauseous, bloated…quite frankly I would settle for anything that shows me something is happening. *sigh*

I try so hard to not be a Negative Nelly, my blog is about optimism in the face of fear, but this week…well, Nelly’s got the best of me.

24 thoughts on “IVF #2: Ramblings from the 2WW”

  1. First, I do not miss the TWW!! Sorry you are struggling with the symptom spotting.
    Also, someday’s Nelly’s voice is lounder then the optimistic voice and that’s okay. We all have bad days, I think the the trick to success is not to get stuck there for too long.
    Wishing you the best outcome possible when testing time comes around! 🙂

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  3. Oh, no you don’t. You are *not* some zero. You *are* a hero. After all these starts, stops, and many many shots…well, it would’ve deterred other people. Good luck.

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  5. Ugghhhhh the TWW brings back Nelly everytime. Just battling this fight everyday makes you brave. The only thing that would calm me was rubbing my belly and saying ‘what will be will be’. A little zen but it was a good reminder to me that we truly don’t have much control other than the usual avoiding caffeine etc. So very hopeful for you but I also know you can handle any outcome.

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  6. If it makes you feel any better, the number of times I’ve heard, ‘I had absolutely no symptoms on my positive cycle’ couldn’t be counted on all my fingers and all my toes. Good luck!

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  10. I’m so sorry you’re feeling doubtful right now, but I completely understand and HOPE that it’s normal. I think it’s ok to allow yourself some time to worry, but then find a way to regain your hope. I wish you the best of luck getting out of your funk (and I’m sending lots of good thoughts to your two embies.)

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  11. The TWW is so hard! You are doing amazing and remember you are allowed to have hard days and you are still a hero while having those days 🙂 Just always remember in your heart that symptoms are so not accurate at this stage. You have been through a lot and we are all cheering for you!

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  12. Waiting is the absolute worst. I’m so pulling for those embabies to keep growing and nestle in for the long haul!! It’s ok to have a bad day or two or three. Don’t beat yourself up over it.

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  13. I try to find something I really enjoy, and just do it. Whether its a long walk through the country roads, a hike up the mountain to see all of Gods glory. Reality TV (ahem…all things Bravo). Remember something that brought a smile to your face, and do that. And also remember, that its ok to ‘feel.’ Your doing so good!!

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  14. I think doubt is completely normal. This journey is not an easy one and if I met someone who was bouncing off the walls happy through every minute of it I would ask what drugs they were taking. It is hard and fight against it as we might doubt always manages to creep her head in, as long as you also have a healthy dose of hope… I think it is all good. 🙂
    Fingers crossed for you!

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