IVF #2: More Tales from the 2WW

I have tried to remain optimistic, but my mind is crowded with every good, bad and ugly thought that could exist. I refuse to test because as much as I fear a negative, I fear a positive that disappears before my eyes more. The reality is that I won’t test early because I am fearful of the answer.

So far, I have broken down three times in the last few days – in the shower, in the car, at my acupuncture appointment and in the middle of a hug from my husband. I feel like breaking down now, which is why I thought it might help to write a post and try to let some of this fear go.

waiting

Why am I so afraid? First, I have no symptoms…I feel empty. I feel like if a positive was possible…I should feel something…anything! I still hold on to hope…I spotted at 12 days after my 3 day transfer…but logic tells me that is just too far along the process for implantation spotting. I also had these weird hiccupy things when I would lay down to go to sleep after the HCG trigger shot….they continued for a few days, then went away, and then the last few nights they came back…could that be some weird symptom? I am sure if I googled “sleeping hiccups,” I would get a response I want to see and then another one that told me that I was dying of some rare disease – so best not to consult Dr. Google.

I now have less than 24 hours before I test and maybe another day before they call with the results. Some would say I have nothing to lose, but I feel like if this is my last attempt at IVF (my line in the sand)…then I face losing that dream of being pregnant. On the flip side, I would be free of doctors’ appointments, expensive treatments and a draining scheduled love life – essentially I could get a part of my life back (…there is much relief in that thought too). I know I can still be a mother and adoption is an option I am very open to. What I dread is that at the end of the longest two week wait ever…I can’t even begin to imagine what an adoption wait might feel like.

So, after complaining about all the waiting…I guess there is nothing to do now but continue to wait.

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17 thoughts on “IVF #2: More Tales from the 2WW

  1. Oh don’t I recognize those feelings of anxiety. We never got to the implant stage, but simply waiting on the genetic testing results was awful. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and breathe. The results are all out of your hands, and whether it has happened (or god forbid, hasn’t), the outcome isn’t going to change no matter how much you work yourself up. It’s going to be what it’s going to be. All we ever want is to feel in control of our fate, and with infertility, that is robbed from us. I hope with all my heart that you get the happy news we all hope for. My line in the sand was drawn as well and unfortunately we crossed it as two, not three. I can tell you, for me personally, the relief from not having to obsess about every tiny detail, doctor’s appointments, physical symptoms, shot schedules etc, etc…. was liberating. Throughout everything, I took the news that our embryos didn’t make it the least hard. We had done everything we could, and even advanced science couldn’t help us. It was an end. Not the one we had hoped for, but at least an end. If you happen to find yourself on our same path, my wish for you is that you are able to make peace with everything, and find happiness again despite the heartache. But mostly I wish for a positive on that test tomorrow. Stay strong and sending love.

    Leah

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    • Thanks Leah! Your words mean a lot and I agree – what will be will be! I could have tested sooner, but I wanted to hold on to whatever I could until the last possible second. Here’s hoping tomorrow is a day of joy! Wishing you the best to you too. Hugs!

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      • When we don’t know the final outcome we still have hope. I absolutely understand wanting to hold on for as long as possible. I will be anxiously awaiting one very over the moon happy post tomorrow xo 🙂

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  2. I’ve been thinking of you! It really is a mental roller coaster – one day feeling optimistic, the next feeling convinced there’s no way. Only your fellow IF buddies could understand what that 2WW feels like, its anguish and its mind games. Crossing everything for you. xo

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  3. Out of interest – and you don’t have to answer this if it’s too personal – why do you think you’ll stop at your second round of IVF? I’m just curious about what makes people stop. I’ve done 3 rounds, am willing to do 3 more with own eggs, and then will go to donor eggs. I know that not all women have the resources to do that many, and I am curious about what leads women to stop after 2 cycles… As I said, if too personal, please ignore me 🙂 Hopefully you’ll get your BFP anyway!

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    • Resources, age… I’m at at the point where I would rather be on an adoption list than can continue this rollercoaster. If money and time was no object- I would likely do many more IVFs … So I guess I should never say never.

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  4. Oh, I really hope that it’s good news for you! Not much fun to have to wait… but I don’t think that symptoms are necessarily predictive. My mum was 5 months pregnant by the time she realised! 🙂 x

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