I have tried to remain optimistic, but my mind is crowded with every good, bad and ugly thought that could exist. I refuse to test because as much as I fear a negative, I fear a positive that disappears before my eyes more. The reality is that I won’t test early because I am fearful of the answer.
So far, I have broken down three times in the last few days – in the shower, in the car, at my acupuncture appointment and in the middle of a hug from my husband. I feel like breaking down now, which is why I thought it might help to write a post and try to let some of this fear go.
Why am I so afraid? First, I have no symptoms…I feel empty. I feel like if a positive was possible…I should feel something…anything! I still hold on to hope…I spotted at 12 days after my 3 day transfer…but logic tells me that is just too far along the process for implantation spotting. I also had these weird hiccupy things when I would lay down to go to sleep after the HCG trigger shot….they continued for a few days, then went away, and then the last few nights they came back…could that be some weird symptom? I am sure if I googled “sleeping hiccups,” I would get a response I want to see and then another one that told me that I was dying of some rare disease – so best not to consult Dr. Google.
I now have less than 24 hours before I test and maybe another day before they call with the results. Some would say I have nothing to lose, but I feel like if this is my last attempt at IVF (my line in the sand)…then I face losing that dream of being pregnant. On the flip side, I would be free of doctors’ appointments, expensive treatments and a draining scheduled love life – essentially I could get a part of my life back (…there is much relief in that thought too). I know I can still be a mother and adoption is an option I am very open to. What I dread is that at the end of the longest two week wait ever…I can’t even begin to imagine what an adoption wait might feel like.
So, after complaining about all the waiting…I guess there is nothing to do now but continue to wait.