Or rather, why has this blog been so quiet lately? To be honest, it started as just a little break until we did our adoption seminar and then it turned into an all-out hiatus. Here is a little recap of the last few months:
I consider October the month of pulling myself back together. We worked through our grief of the failed 2nd IVF and the news of our poor egg quality. As hard as it was to hear that our IVF treatment journey was at an end, I did get a lot of peace in knowing what the problem was for us and that we didn’t continue to fall into an “unexplained” category. To help rebuild our spirit, we looked ahead to the adoption seminar and pulled together all the bits and pieces of the adoption application with the goal to be ready to submit the week after the seminar.
In November we jumped into the adoption journey with both feet. The first weekend of the month we completed our agency’s two-day seminar and two weeks later officially submitted our application. Before the seminar I was a little skeptical about whether the two-days were going to be a valuable experience, but I have to say that the two-days we spent with the other five couples was therapeutic and exciting. It dispelled questions and stereotypes, plus it showed us that there are other people in our city struggling with infertility and it gave us hope for our parenting future. I am happy to say that after years of disappointment, it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders in November. I was happy and optimistic and I was at peace and excited about what would come next.
Little did I know that November would go out with a bang after an unexpected coffee visit from my Dad on the last day of the month. During his impromptu visit he shockingly announced my parent’s separation after nearly 40 years of marriage. Say what?
After the lightness of November, the December stress came tumbling down on me. Not only were we doing more layoffs at work, but my parents were parting ways. I was (am) in shock and it didn’t matter where I went, there were mounds of stress waiting to be heaped on my shoulders. Within hours of my dad breaking the news, I found myself in the middle and reaching out making sure my mom was okay, my dad was okay and keeping tabs on my sensitive souled brother. The heavy dark cloud that had followed me around through years of infertility returned in a brand new form.
My parents’ marriage was something I looked up and I respected. They never fought and supported each other through the thick and thin (or so I thought) and I had built the foundation of my own marriage on their groundwork. Now in one afternoon that bubble was burst; I learned instead that my parents were experts at keeping their differences away from the kids. As I learned more about their relationship in the days following the news, I had to come to the conclusion that there is no one to be mad at in this situation. My dad needs his space and my mom needs hers too. They did everything right…they didn’t cheat, they talked to counsellors, etc… it was just time to part ways. Unfortunately, knowing all this doesn’t seem to make it any easier and I am surprised at how much grief comes from the loss of this relationship in my life. I constantly remind myself that I still have both parents and they are both healthy and that is what is fundamentally important now.
I wish I could say I was looking forward to the holiday season, but instead I really wish I could fast forward through everything and arrive somewhere around January 10th. I took our tree out of the box, but I can’t seem to bring myself to find decorations for it. We are cooking Christmas dinner, where my parents will likely both join for dinner along with my mother in law – it will be interesting to see how that goes. I wish I could say I was looking forward to the next week or two, but Christmas has turned into something a little bluer than traditionally…but I know we will take it in stride each day and we will find things to smile at too.
I do have to say I am looking forward to December 31st this year so that I can formally say goodbye to one of the hardest years of my life. I feel like 2015 was the equivalent of being dragged by my hair behind a car along a gravel road. In retrospect, it is surreal everything that has happened this year…so many ups and downs….I am looking forward to new beginnings in all aspects of my life in 2016 with hopes that my dark cloud overhead will disappear for good.