IVF#2 – I wish I had better news…

/ valleyally

The reality of the situation is that IVF#2 was a bust. It’s disappointing, deflating, sad…there truly aren’t enough words to express what it feels like to deal with another negative outcome. Since all was confirmed on Friday, I feel like I have been walking around with a veil of sadness over me. It’s like if I try to smile, there’s these little imaginary weights holding the corners of my mouth down. Even my eyes look sad when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. *sigh*

I don’t know how I did it last week, but I successfully held off testing until the clinic’s beta date, but my gut knew the results the days leading up to the test. Some would say I was being pessimistic, but I feel like I knew in my gut that the transferred embryos hadn’t implanted; I just felt too empty.

The stick I peed on in the early morning on Friday confirmed what my gut was telling me. The phone call from the clinic later that day was just the period at the end of a long sentence.

After going through a failed first IVF, my husband and I knew it could be a tough day. JourneyTherefore, we planned to run away. So, the minute my blood test was done we jumped in the car for our last summer getaway. We headed for the mountains and it was exactly what I needed to distract myself from falling into a pit of sadness when the call came. Unfortunately, running away only distracts you for a few days and then you need to come back to reality.

This week I am back at work and the reality of the situation is that I am spent. Spent emotionally, physically, and financially. I know with time I will get my energy and light back, but today the outlook is more frustration and sadness. It’s part of the grieving process and I know I need to just let go and experience it for the time being. Tears are a good thing when surviving through infertility.

Who knows where we will go from here…we said two IVF’s were our line in the sand. Never say never though, as my parents already offered to help with another attempt….right now though my attitude is too dark to think about that and I can’t even begin to imagine success. Adoption is something that I feel very comfortable with and my husband supports that choice…so, maybe it’s finally time to get more serious about that.  Who knows…all I know for sure is that I am at a crossroads and there is no need to decide everything today.

Most importantly, I just want to say “Thank You” to everyone in this community for the words of support and encouragement over the last few weeks. All your kind words and messages have meant so much. xo

32 thoughts on “IVF#2 – I wish I had better news…”

  1. I’m so very sorry. I completely agree – you don’t have to rush to make any decisions at this point and as crappy as it is, this grieving process is necessary. I’m sending big hugs to you and will be thinking of you.

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  3. I’m sorry to her this too. But your doing the right thing by feeling the feelings. Its ok to be sad and mourn this loss. I for one, look up to you for having gone through so much. I’ve only scratched the surfface in treatments (which I dont think my cycle worked either.. just a feeling that I have) and I’m already tired of being dissapointed. I’ll continue to pray for you. Good vibes headed your way sistah!

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  4. I am really sorry that it didn’t work. I’m glad you took the time to escape for a weekend, even if it was only a few days away from reality.
    You are a wise women to be aware that you do not need to make a decision today. If you ever want to chat more about adoption, feel free to let me know.
    I hope you find peace in the coming days and weeks as you process all of your options.

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  5. I’m so sorry, friend. I wish I had the words to lessen this pain for you. It’s just the suck. I’m glad you got a little getaway in — those really do help things, at least for me. Wishing you peace and clarity as you begin to evaluate what’s next. Xo.

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  6. Oh I hate this. I know the pain so well. Just sending you a big hug and hope you are able to get through the darkness soon and start another plan. In the meantime- just take care of yourself and know that we get it.

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  7. What more can I say other than that I wish the outcome had been different for you. I hoped so much for you to have that positive test. To feel the joy of what that entails. To be excited for the future. It’s difficult – beyond challenging – to pick up and carry on from this kind of disappointment. It isn’t just that IVF didn’t work, it’s that the trajectory of the rest of your life is altered by it. You feel like your heart is 20 years behind you, lingering in the “what if’s” of yesterdays. Well, that’s how I felt anyway. I don’t know how this time around will be for you. I can only aim to offer you hope that you will wake up one day (hopefully soon) and a smile will creep across your face and you will look at the world and think, despite this immeasurable heartache, I think I can be happy. Biggest hugs to you my friend. Wish I could offer you the real deal, but know I’m thinking of you lots. XOXOXO

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  9. I am so sorry to read this. I’m so sorry. I wish you all the luck in the world with whatever path you and DH decide; whether it be another IVF or adoption, you’ll be someone’s mommy someday. All the luck and prayers and good vibes I’ve got are being send your way.

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  11. I’m so sorry. I realise now that you not wanting to talk options, but you will be at some point soon, I’d imagine, and I’ll forget to post, so I’m sorry if it’s too early but here goes. (Please read this later if you prefer): It’s not unusual for women to fail two cycles of IVF. Women in their mid 30’s with normal ovarian reserve have about a 60-70% chance of success with THREE completed stim cycles. Most Dr’s will suggest trying 3 cycles before looking into other options or assuming you won’t have success. That said, each of us must do what’s right for us and that varies person to person. If you do decide to try again at IVF, I think it would be worth having all the tests for immune issues first. Eg: natural killer cells, etc. A number of girls I follow have had multiple failed cycles and miscarriages and now a baby after immune treatment. It’s not for everyone – for many the issue is eggs.

    An egg donor solves the issue for many many women. It’s an excellent option – especially if you have a family member or friend willing to donate.

    Adoption is not the easy road – I think it’s harder and more expensive than a lot of people think. However, it’s a wonderful and noble thing to do, and I imgaine very rewarding!

    Anyway – good luck, and like I said, sorry to bring these issues up when you may not be ready. I’m on my last two embryos from stim cycle 3 (FET number 5 for me on Friday!) and planning to do up to 3 more cycles with a new clinic and new doctor, then switch to donor eggs. I’m lucky to have the resources to be able to afford more cycles, though it’s a strain. For me, I just don’t care about the money – there’s nothing I want more than to have a family, so I’ll give it my best shot before I move on.

    Only you can know where your limits are, what you are comfortable with, and what your path is. I wish you the best of luck. For now, I wish you speedy healing and a quick path out of the dark place.

    Remember who you are – you are fabulous with or without a baby!

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  13. I’m so sad for you that this round didn’t work. I’ve been in that same place so many times and I have felt every word you have written here. I agree, you will find your light again and the path forward will become more clear. Hugs to you.

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  16. Aw, shit. I’m sorry.

    I’ve been there my friend. Your life still on hold for now and back to square one. It is horrible. You were so right to plan to get away. Keep looking after yourself.

    For me the third time was the charm. I know you’re not me, I used to hate people telling me about the success of others because it didn’t mean I’d be successful too. But. Perhaps it will give you hope to know it can happen.

    Which ever way you go, I know you’ll find your happy ending.

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    • Thanks! Yes, hard to know to what to do. I heard lots of people who time #2 was the one for them. I just need to not rush and get all the facts and decide with a clear head. I just don’t know if I want to put myself through all the emotional pain again. But then, maybe 3rd time is the charm!

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